You Scan It

When I was about eight years old I was visiting my aunt and uncle in Nashville, Tennessee. My cousins were up from Alabama visiting also and we had just finished playing miniature golf one night. If you don't know my family there are two games which we get extremely competitive at. This is one of those games. The other is Monopoly which my grandmother insists that "People die playing games like that". Although it has never come to that there have been instances in both where certain seven year old boys are made to cry by their mothers. Anyway, we had just finished playing miniature golf when my aunt and mother decided that we needed to go to Kroger on the way home. Now at this time the whole "You-Scan-It" was very rare and really the only place that had it was Kroger. So my cousin, being about 13 at the time and very, very talkative, (he once out talked the Jehovah's Witness's) proceeded to yell over and over again in the parking lot "WE'RE GOING TO KROGER, WE'RE GOING TO KROGER". He even ran up to a concerned looking couple yelling how excited he was to be going to the grocery store.

Flash-forward to the present. This week actually. I have not had nearly the same exhilarating experiences with grocery stores as I did when I was eight. I've had two encounters with the You Scan It lines which I'm pretty sure have guaranteed that my mugshot is hanging on the "Watch Out For" bulletin board in the back room.

The first instance involved me buying about 20 pounds of cabbage. I had never brought produce before in my entire life so I was a little nervous to begin with. After scanning the first two heads of cabbage with no problems the third caused some issues. Some error blinked up on the screen and the light above the machine began flashing. So here comes unnamed Giant employee probably thinking "Here's another idiot that can't scan his groceries the correct way. So although it was a computer error and in no way was my fault she proceeded to scan the rest of my cabbage like the whole "You Scan It" line was a privilege that I had lost. Flustered as I was to be treated like my head was filled with the cabbage I was buying I almost forgot to pay. Which was not my intention at all. Had I really been trying to steal the 20 pounds of cabbage then why wouldn't I have just walked out with it? The problem was that she had but in and scanned the rest of my groceries, knocking me out of my routine and making me forget how to pay. She scanned the groceries! Make her pay!

The second time was only two nights later. I had gone on an ice cream run and had gotten my ice cream and a Jone's Soda. Jone's Sodas are bottled in glass. Remember that. Its gonna be important. So I scanned the ice cream and sent it down the conveyor belt. No issues. The Jones Soda I scanned and walked down and placed the GLASS bottle at the end of the conveyor belt. I walked back to the computer to pay. Here comes unnamed Giant employee. Apparently if the conveyor belt doesn't feel the weight of the item just purchased rolling down its inclined slope to the metal stopping point it won't process the purchase completely. I had upset the system by being concerned about the glass bottle breaking when it crashed into the metal stopper at the bottom of the grocery ski slope.

Screw you "You Scan It" I'll buy my groceries from a real person from now on!

God's Time

So I haven't written on here in a long time so I figured that today's 100 degree weather and nothing else to do give me a good reason to write something. But before I write anything of sustenance I would like to address this weather. I don't know what in the world which Mother Nature decided she was planning her calendar around but she has been one moody woman this year! Moderation is a good thing!! If more people took things in moderation our thinnest state (Colorado) wouldn't have an obesity rate of like 17% and our economy wouldn't be down the toilet! So I'm blaming all our nations on Mother Nature and her horribly set example. Anyway...

What I really wanted to do today, with my 20th birthday being a week away, was to reflect back on my last year of teenagerdom. Honestly I don't think there has been another year in which I have done more growing than this past one. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I don't think I would recognize the old me. If I did I'd probably say: "You're an idiot", and walk away. Its been a wild ride and I'm looking forward to what changes God has in store for me this next year.

The one thing I have probably learned about more than any other is giving God control of every aspect of my life. It has definitely been an ongoing process. One which there have been many aches and pains involved. I am, by nature, not a very patient person and I have been forced to be patient with many areas of my life. God really does work in His own time and that has been the hardest thing in my life to accept. I do feel like a prayer has been answered though recently and without going into specifics its been an awesome thing to experience. I do feel though that all this anticipation and waiting has made me a bit gun-shy. I feel like God has put this blessing in my life for a reason and now (in my mind) its my end of the bargain not to screw it up.

After persistently pestering God for this now I'm afraid of messing it up. Something God given, I'm afraid of messing up. I think maybe that I don't think I'm ready. But if this is happening and it really is God-driven, which I believe that it is, then God believes that I'm ready. I can't screw it up.

When I was first asked to lead Wyldlife my senior year of high school I was a reserved, quiet kid. Leading Wyldlife was something I always wanted to do but something I never could actually see myself doing. God groomed me into something which I never previously thought I could do. He made me to be what it was that He intended me to be. Is this any different? Would God just leave me out to dry for something? Never. I think I just need to Cowboy Up and Git 'Er Done! Treat it for what it is: an answer to a huge prayer, and so, a huge blessing.

Jeremiah 29:11

My Girl

I think everyone has this image they have built in their heads of their perfect significant other. Right? I mean I'm not the only freak whose done this right? Well, I at the age of 19 I have done a ridiculously girly thing for your comedic enjoyment, and created this expansive list. So here is my 12 point, rigidly nonnegotiable list of what I am looking for in a significant other. Ok, so really only #1 and #12 are the only deal breakers (Don't scroll down to read #12 right now either because I know that's what you are doing...wait like everyone else). The others can be worked on. And if you know anyone ;) ....

1. She's gotta love Jesus!
-Yeah...um, enough said about this one. She's gotta love the source of all love or there ain't no real love!

2. She's gotta love to talk.
-Now when I say this I don't mean I want her mouth to be going a mile a minute, 24/7. What I mean is I want her to be able to carry on a conversation about what kind of Pokemon is best or how many M&M's she can fit into her mouth, the real deep matters in life. You know, the real deep stuff!

3. She can argue with me.
-This kind of goes with the above point but I want her to be able to make counterpoints to my points because I like to argue about things. I'm not saying I want these arguments to escalate into one of us laying on the floor, pounding our fists into the ground and crying about feelings being hurt. I just want calm scholarly discussions about the pros and cons of the fork vs. the spoon (Food tastes better on a fork).

4. She understands my passions.
-I will be getting married probably in early August. Why do you ask? Because Alabama football will just barely be getting started with fall camp, baseball is just kinda grinding through with its schedule, there is no hockey and all the Redskins are doing are playing scrimimages (That's how I say it). 'Cause I'm not going to be missing even one Alabama football game for no anniversary!

5. She likes thunderstorms.
-I like thunderstorms. I like really, really loud thunderstorms. Fourth horse of the apocalypse storms. I want the house to be shaking and lightning to be lighting up the sky like an Adam Lambert concert. I also would like to be able watch said storm from the comfort of my living room, significant other next to me.

6. She likes the outdoors.
-One of my big hobbies involves me not bathing for days on end, wearing clothes made by Abercrombie and Itch, which haven't been washed in 5+ years, and sleeping in the dirt. Now am I going to drag her out in that? Noooo. But, I like to be outside, and I would hope that she would too.

7. She likes to drive/ride in a vehicle.
-Another of my favorite pastimes is to drive around aimlessly in my car. Am I ever lost? Nope. Just being able to drive and talk and enjoy the countryside and each others company would be great.

8. She likes to sing.
-Now this one I'm flexible on. I like to sing. Not many people have ever heard me sing but I do and I like to think I'm not too bad at it. There's always been a problem though: Bi-gender duets. Its really hard to sing both Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton's parts to "Islands in the Stream" at the same time. Some tag-teaming on this one would be much appreciated.

9. She has pretty eyes.
-What can I say? I'm a sucker for pretty eyes. You've got 'em? Well, you're already like halfway to my heart.

10. She loves kids.
-I like kids. One day I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys. The first-born son will be named Nolan. This being after Nolan Reimold, the sometimes left-fielder for the Baltimore Orioles. If a girl sneaks in there, she will be named Taylor. You can figure that one out on your own.

11. What an odd number.
-It is don't you think? Its so skinny and yet so lazy. Its just two lines really.

12. She can jerk.
-The deal breaker. She has got to be able to jerk. Now on this one I will give a small window of instruction: Two weeks after our first date. Then, the deadline will have passed and it will be a requirement.

His Path

I wrote this cause I was kinda bored in class. Don't judge...its a three hour ten minute class. You'd get bored sometime too.

His Path

I look ahead to where I'm going, through the dense trees.
The thorns, the bristles, the buses, they all block my way.
They grab, they tear, they hold me back, its hard to keep me free.

All I'm looking for is a little help, to keep it all at bay.
A leader, a warrior, a king, a teacher I can claim.
But for now, I'll do it alone, I'll walk this path my way.

That won't last long, my life will run out, with only myself to blame.
The wilderness will win, I have no doubt, I cannot do it alone.
I'll be stuck, with no way out, no one to give me aim.

But whats this now? An opening ahead, through the trees I now run.
My God, my Christ, my Creator lives, He's been there all before.
He's walked this path ahead of me, but come back, His work ahead is done.

He's been with me this entire time, I cannot ask for more.
He didn't have to, He came back, He did this all for me.
He'll lead me home, on His blessed path, right to His front door.

Waiting

So here's the thing: I am not a patient person. I hate to wait on things. Standing in lines are, in my opinion, possibly the most ridiculous wastes of time ever. Well, that is unless you are at Disney World and then waiting in lines is actually kinda fun as long as that line is moving and you are actually going to get on the ride. I'm talking to you Thunder Mountain! Yes, Alabama football games are that much more awesome when they are played at night but that means a whole Saturday of waiting. Ridiculous! And now two extra years of being in Northern Virginia have built up to the day by day waiting of the mailman to come and for there hoping to be an envelope with good news. Yeah, you can imagine its driving me crazy. To wait for something that will essentially determine where I will be for at least the months of August-December Anno Domini Nostri Iesu Christi. What up Medieval Latin! Anyway, I know I need to be patient. With people I feel like I have a lot of patience but events which depend on the actions of other people I don't so much (I know the irony of this sentence). Its so obvious that God is trying to teach me patience cause on my little Spirit Tree there ain't so much of the Patienceberry (I imagine this to taste much like dragonfruit but really I don't know what dragonfruit tastes like except for VitaminWater Power-C!). So I'm waiting and trying to develop some patience for stuff like this. I just wish that this patience thing would hurry up.

Details

Its been a couple of years since I was in high school. In those couple of years though I can say that I've done more growing than in the previous 17 or 18 years of my life (I guess I could figure out exactly how many months since I graduated but 1. I really don't want to, and 2. That would involve math). Probably the number one thing I have learned to do with my life is not to take it so seriously. Not life itself, because its pretty cool to be able to walk around and breathe and watch Mt. Cody block kick after kick of certain Tennessee kickers whose surname is the same as a war criminal from the American Civil War, but that's besides the point (Coincidence, I think not). The point is don't take yourself too seriously, because when you do that you're never going to have any fun with your life or the people around you. Your relationships suffer and you're just stressed all of the time. So...the point of this blog you ask? To identify some of the ridiculous and borderline insane shortcomings I have, because the best way to not take yourself so serious is a little self-deprecating humor. As the great Koopa Warrior Mario would say: Here we goooo!!

I'm going to start out simple. I hate to talk on telephones. I don't think that this has been an issue my entire life but has only become one just in the past couple of years. I recently tackled this issue in one of my brainstorming shower sessions. Yeah, everyone knows that you do your best thinking in the shower, its science, look it up. I came to a couple of conclusions. Firstly, my phone sucks. Really I love my tiny Nokia phone, its got a radio, internet, a music player, texting, everything you can want from a phone except for one thing: I can't hear anything on the PHONE!!! You know the part of the device which is the real reason I possess it? Can't hear anyone at all. Well, that's an exaggeration but it can be real tough to hear people so I'm always having to have people repeat what they're saying and then its just awkward so I just feel awkward on the phone. Secondly, I'm a quiet person. I don't use all too many words a day because I just always feel the need to. Therefore, I respond to a lot of what is said to me through my facial expressions. I blame this on the genius portrayal of Jim Halpert. I've watched every episode of the Office at least three times (not an exaggeration) and its rubbed off on me. You can say so much with your face and that doesn't necessarily translate to the phone. Again, this creates some awkward silences over the phone when I don't realize what I'm doing. Thirdly, I just don't like talking on the phone. Its that simple, call me old fashion but I'd much rather be texting someone or writing on their Facebook wall.

The second big flaw of mine is that I constantly compare myself to other people. Its an awful habit of mine that needs to stop but I find myself doing it all the time. For example, I know that I am very good at my job. I work at a baseball training facility and I do a lot of cleaning and moving of machines and nets. I can put a batting cage up in seven minutes flat and my record for setting a pitching machine is one, count 'em, one test baseball for a perfect strike. I was pretty proud. I mean not too many 19 year olds can do that. Oh...hi Jason Heyward. You're hitting .364 in Major League Spring Training? Oh, you're going to be starting in rightfield for the Atlanta Braves? And you're 20? Well, can you make a sink faucet shine like a unicorn's horn? I didn't think so. So maybe this is an extreme, but you look at people like Jason Heyward, who graduated high school just one year before I did, and you get a case of Whathaveyoudonewithyourlife-isitis.

The last thing that I will discuss kind of ties into the previous. I am a paranoid about what others think about me. I am constantly on my toes trying to keep one's opinions of me at the highest point possible. And by doing that I then go and compare my imaginary opinions of myself to what I think those people think about those that I am comparing myself to. Its a vicious cycle of paranoia, one which will probably end with me working for the CIA in the near future, real or imaginary I do not know.

So here's the point of my insanity. There's no point to it. If I kept it going then I really would probably end up in an insane asylum somewhere raking non-existent leaves. Speaking of leaves, I heard a pastor on the radio speaking about how insanely detailed God is. How He has everything planned out. (Now for "speaking of leaves" relevancy) The pastor spoke about the story of the tax collector Zacchaeus and how Zacchaeus, being of the vertically impaired, needed to climb a sycamore tree in order to see Jesus. Think about it, what if that sycamore hadn't been there? It takes a good long while for a tree to grow. But it was there. Waiting for Zacchaeus to climb it and set up the moment which would change his life. You can call it coincidence but I don't think so. God had made sure that the tree had been growing in that spot for years and years, ready for Zacchaeus. I don't need to compare myself to others because I have the assurance that God has a plan for me that is better than anything He has for anyone else. He created me with all my insanity for a reason and although I don't know all that reason and may never know for sure, there is a reason. Its not just craziness.

I May Not Be A Smart Man

If I were to go back in time five years and watch myself for like a week I really don't know how to react. I think I might just throw up at how socially awkward, quite and downright delusional I was. I was twig thin but thought I was some ripped stud. Man, was I skinny. Somebody needed to take me down to the McDonald's and just get some kind of flesh on my Skeletor (spelling?) frame cause there were nine irons that were thicker than my limbs. I couldn't stand in front of a crowd of people and speak and not stutter or turn a bright shade of magenta. If you told me what my #1 activity was and what I was planning on going into after college I would tell you that you have got to be on some high-octane stuff because that's the biggest load of Oscar Meyer bologna that I would have ever heard. If I ever do meet my 14 year old self through some Star Trekian space-time portal then I would probably have to pop him upside the head. How could I possibly have anything more to learn about life? I've been through it all, I can't do any more growing.

I thought I had love and life all figured out because that's what middle school teaches you right? Those month long relationships had taught me all that I needed to know right? I can show you the world...Shining shimmering splendid. Curse you Disney and your empty promises of love through flying carpets and singing crustaceans. You corrupted entire generations of America's youth!! Anyway...I have learned a lot.

Probably most importantly I have learned what love really is. And there's really only one way to truly experience it and that is from the source. 1 John 4:19 says "We love because He first loved us." God is the source. Without experiencing that love I could have done none of the growing I have to this point. There is no way that that 14 year-old could get up in front of dozens of his peers and read something off a sheet of paper much less tell them what he believed. Love makes us grow. Until we experience it, we cannot reach our fullest potential and that is when we let God take control. I keep saying this but what a miserable little twerp I was. Who but living, loving God could take what I was and make what I am now? Our plans are only restrictions we put on God. As far as I've come I have so, so much farther to go. I keep fighting back, putting restraints on what God wants me to be. But I am glad for one thing. And to borrow the greatest quote from the greatest cinematic adventure of all time Avatar......kidding.....Forrest Gump: I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.

Zero

I am 19 years old. A lot of people would say that I have my whole life to figure out what I'm going to do. All these questions I have that still need to be answered. I'm sitting here at the end of February 2010, my fourth semester at community college, and wondering where I'm going to be in the fall. And I can honestly tell you that I have no idea. At this moment I have zero control of my life. Like none at all. I've turned in all my applications (JMU, Liberty, Virginia Tech). I've jumped through every hoop that needs jumping through like a trained orca. I know that I'm smrt. I can read books, right papers and do adishion. I have come to find out that with many teachers in community college the deal is that if you do the work their way, then you will succeed. "Write about a personal experience that has made an impact on your life? Oh, that doesn't make sense? No one can relate to my personal experience? I should redo it and make it a national issue? Ok." Freakin' communist... Anyway, there's nothing more I can do but wait for higher ups to decide if I'm good enough to attend their institute of higher learning. Zero.

I have let myself fall for an amazing girl who might only ever view me as a friend. I've done just about everything I can do for that situation that I can short of broadcasting it on national television during the Super Bowl (Note to self: contact Joe Buck and Fox). I can't do anything more than be the friend she views me as. Once again: Zero.

Even my health I have no control over. I've been sick for months with a cough that will not go away. I've been on Nyquil, antibiotics and steroids(not the Barry Bonds kind), nothing will keep it away. "No doctor, its not the same right now, at night its the worst. I'm pretty sure there is inflammation in my lungs because I can feel it! No, I really don't think its an allergy cause it started only after I was SICK!! If you would like I could call you at two in the morning and let you listen to myself hack up my lungs. No, you want to sleep? I would really like to be doing that at TWO IN THE MORNING too." So... zero.

There is nothing I can do with so much of my life. I am not in control. Its like I am an ant and there is a kid with a magnifying glass waiting to burn my antennae off (qtd. in Bruce Almighty 2003). See! I can even do MLA in-text parenthetical citations!! How do you like them apples unspecific Virginia college! At this point I can do very, very little to determine what happens to me over the next few months. I know I sound hopeless. I sound like I am miring myself in self-pity. I'm not though. I have hope because I know that even though I don't have control of my life somebody does. He really is like a kid with a magnify glass and could choose to burn my antennae off. I know He won't though. He loves me enough that He would never do that. Its because that Kid knows more about ants than I will ever know. I might know what I want to happen but He has a plan for me that is greater than anything I can imagine. We'll see how ours match up. I'd bet my life that His is better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11

Snow Drivers

This post is dedicated to the 78% of Northern Virginia drivers who cannot drive. Just drive. Not drive in the snow, not drive in light drizzle, but drive. Seriously people, when I am able to predict when a soccer mom in her Toyota mini-van is going to turn right onto Route 7 without yielding to the oncoming traffic when the light I am facing is clearly the color green and the one she is facing is red and then that prediction comes to fruition right before my eyes, there is seriously something wrong. In a lot of my life I try to expect the best out of people. I just can't do this when I'm behind the wheel. I wish I could, but the experience of driving in NoVa has exposed me to just how stupid people can be. And that's just without snow.

Snowmaggedon hit the the D.C. area this weekend. Like seriously I was out one night and I saw Dennis Quaid ride by on skis. Santa asked Rudolph to save Valentine's Day...Lets just say Rudolph still ain't playing no reindeer games. Sorry folks there's not going to be a Valentine's Day this year. But I digress. You thought people couldn't drive without a good 30 inches of lubricative hindrance on the roads then I suggest you grab a bag of Doritos and a few cans of Spam and go below ground for a while cause its about to get ugly. If you can't drive in July what makes people think that they will be just fine going out in Snowmaggedon? Really? Where is the logic in that? Stay home!!

Taylor Swift

So as anyone who knows me knows, I am passionate about Taylor Swift. If she's on TV, I know about it. If she has a new single coming out, I know about it. If she breaks up with her shirtless werewolf boyfriend, I know about. I have her Twitter updates forwarded to my phone and really if I knew as much about Chemistry 101 as I do about Taylor Swift then I probably would not have to retake that course at some point in my college career.

Many people would say that I am a "stalker", but by looking at a simple definition of "stalking" it would be very easy to rule that description out. According to wikipedia and confirmed on dictionary.com, "stalking" is a term commonly used to refer to unwanted attention by individuals to others. So other than that time I was within like 20 yards of her at her concert I have never even come into physical contact with her. I don't have a life-sized statue of her in my closet made out of her used chewing gum and hairclips so I'd say that me being a "stalker" is not the proper term. What term would I use then you ask? Passionate. As defined on dictionary.com "passionate" is expressing, showing, or marked by intense or strong feeling; emotional. I'd say that's perfect. I would describe my fandom as being more like those old videos of Elvis or the Beach Boys performing and the girls in the crowd going crazy rather than John Hinckley Jr. So here's the next question everyone asks: Why? Why Taylor Swift? And it has taken nearly three years to realize the answer to that question but here it is, the secret to it all.

I remember the first time Taylor Swift's heavenly voice reached my ears. It was a Sunday morning during my junior year of high school and I was on my way to church when "Tim McGraw" came onto the radio. The DJ talked about how she was only 16 and that she had a part in writing all of the songs on her debut CD. Incredible right? Well here's the shocker. And I hope everyone is ready for this because its an earth-shaker. The thought that came into my head was "She's no Carrie Underwood" *gasp*. It was not love at first sound. I'll admit that even now "Tim McGraw" is not one of my favorite songs of her's. It took awhile to get to where I am today.

It wasn't really until she was on the brink of stardom that I really, really started to like her. Here she is at the age of 20 on top of the world and she still acts like she hasn't done anything, like she doesn't belong with the greats of music. (I'm gonna finish but I'd just like to say that Love Story was the greatest video of all time!) She is a superstar that doesn't act like the other superstars of today and it shows in the music she writes. Her music is not sex-centered like so much other pop music is today. She acts like a girl should act and expects to be treated the way a girl should be treated. I will admit that that last statement sounds pretty sexist: "like a girl should act". Who am I to say how a girl should act? But the answer to that question is in the second part of the sentence: the way a girl should be treated. In the music video for "Love Story" Taylor portrays a princess. In a few other songs the whole fairy-tale theme is front and center. In regards to her darker songs about boys she says that "If guys don't want me to write bad songs about them, then they shouldn't do bad things." Guys should be act like that Prince Charming that every girl expects because God created girls to be treated just as Taylor Swift thinks they should be: like princesses. And I couldn't agree more.

Indianapolis Colts vs. New Orleans Saints

So its going to be Colts vs. Saints in Super Bowl XLIV. Manning vs. Brees. Two of the greatest quarterbacks ever will meet in two weeks for what promises to be a game in which the Miami air will be filled with footballs. For those of you who thought that this was going to be my prediction on who is going to win the Super Bowl I will indulge you. I believe that the team which scores more points than the other team will ultimately find themselves heading to the real grand-prize: a trip to Disney World! And now for the real reason for this blog:

What does this quarterback battle really mean? Well, I will tell you what it means and it doesn't involve anyone playing on February 7th either. It means that we will have to endure another late Winter/Spring/Summer of Brett Favre's retirement drama. You think "Jersey Shore" is good television you just watch the NFL Network after the NFL Draft. Brett "The Gunslinger" Favre will take up a good 45% of all NFL coverage in the dead period between College Payday (NFL Draft) and the opening of Summer Camp. Maybe it won't happen. Maybe he will make his decision known early and stick with it. I just don't see that happening though. Brett Favre loves media attention more than Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio loves hair product and I can assure you that Favre spends more than 25 minutes preparing for every Wrangler Jean ad.

Have you ever let clothes sit in the washer after you wash them? (I promise this is an asinine tangent) You don't intend on leaving them there but you get caught up in re-watching "The Office" Season 5 on Netflix and you just forget about them until you need clean tube socks. So when you do remember to transfer them to the dryer (while wearing dirty tube socks) they've dried out partly and because the spin-cycle on the washer has plastered them against the side of the tank they've kinda gotten wrinkled. If you hadn't forgotten them they would have gone in the dryer as soon as they were done washing and then no wrinkles. Wrinkled tube socks < style="font-style: italic;">Voila, no wrinkles.

Post 1

So I've been thinking about starting a blog for a long while. I have so many original ideas which are formed by my peers that after a while my brain requires to just forget about select ones, lost for all eternity, and that would just be tragic. "What Kind of Bear is Best?" should also cut down on the number of facebook statuses I tend to post on a daily basis. Maybe not, we'll see...