Details

Its been a couple of years since I was in high school. In those couple of years though I can say that I've done more growing than in the previous 17 or 18 years of my life (I guess I could figure out exactly how many months since I graduated but 1. I really don't want to, and 2. That would involve math). Probably the number one thing I have learned to do with my life is not to take it so seriously. Not life itself, because its pretty cool to be able to walk around and breathe and watch Mt. Cody block kick after kick of certain Tennessee kickers whose surname is the same as a war criminal from the American Civil War, but that's besides the point (Coincidence, I think not). The point is don't take yourself too seriously, because when you do that you're never going to have any fun with your life or the people around you. Your relationships suffer and you're just stressed all of the time. So...the point of this blog you ask? To identify some of the ridiculous and borderline insane shortcomings I have, because the best way to not take yourself so serious is a little self-deprecating humor. As the great Koopa Warrior Mario would say: Here we goooo!!

I'm going to start out simple. I hate to talk on telephones. I don't think that this has been an issue my entire life but has only become one just in the past couple of years. I recently tackled this issue in one of my brainstorming shower sessions. Yeah, everyone knows that you do your best thinking in the shower, its science, look it up. I came to a couple of conclusions. Firstly, my phone sucks. Really I love my tiny Nokia phone, its got a radio, internet, a music player, texting, everything you can want from a phone except for one thing: I can't hear anything on the PHONE!!! You know the part of the device which is the real reason I possess it? Can't hear anyone at all. Well, that's an exaggeration but it can be real tough to hear people so I'm always having to have people repeat what they're saying and then its just awkward so I just feel awkward on the phone. Secondly, I'm a quiet person. I don't use all too many words a day because I just always feel the need to. Therefore, I respond to a lot of what is said to me through my facial expressions. I blame this on the genius portrayal of Jim Halpert. I've watched every episode of the Office at least three times (not an exaggeration) and its rubbed off on me. You can say so much with your face and that doesn't necessarily translate to the phone. Again, this creates some awkward silences over the phone when I don't realize what I'm doing. Thirdly, I just don't like talking on the phone. Its that simple, call me old fashion but I'd much rather be texting someone or writing on their Facebook wall.

The second big flaw of mine is that I constantly compare myself to other people. Its an awful habit of mine that needs to stop but I find myself doing it all the time. For example, I know that I am very good at my job. I work at a baseball training facility and I do a lot of cleaning and moving of machines and nets. I can put a batting cage up in seven minutes flat and my record for setting a pitching machine is one, count 'em, one test baseball for a perfect strike. I was pretty proud. I mean not too many 19 year olds can do that. Oh...hi Jason Heyward. You're hitting .364 in Major League Spring Training? Oh, you're going to be starting in rightfield for the Atlanta Braves? And you're 20? Well, can you make a sink faucet shine like a unicorn's horn? I didn't think so. So maybe this is an extreme, but you look at people like Jason Heyward, who graduated high school just one year before I did, and you get a case of Whathaveyoudonewithyourlife-isitis.

The last thing that I will discuss kind of ties into the previous. I am a paranoid about what others think about me. I am constantly on my toes trying to keep one's opinions of me at the highest point possible. And by doing that I then go and compare my imaginary opinions of myself to what I think those people think about those that I am comparing myself to. Its a vicious cycle of paranoia, one which will probably end with me working for the CIA in the near future, real or imaginary I do not know.

So here's the point of my insanity. There's no point to it. If I kept it going then I really would probably end up in an insane asylum somewhere raking non-existent leaves. Speaking of leaves, I heard a pastor on the radio speaking about how insanely detailed God is. How He has everything planned out. (Now for "speaking of leaves" relevancy) The pastor spoke about the story of the tax collector Zacchaeus and how Zacchaeus, being of the vertically impaired, needed to climb a sycamore tree in order to see Jesus. Think about it, what if that sycamore hadn't been there? It takes a good long while for a tree to grow. But it was there. Waiting for Zacchaeus to climb it and set up the moment which would change his life. You can call it coincidence but I don't think so. God had made sure that the tree had been growing in that spot for years and years, ready for Zacchaeus. I don't need to compare myself to others because I have the assurance that God has a plan for me that is better than anything He has for anyone else. He created me with all my insanity for a reason and although I don't know all that reason and may never know for sure, there is a reason. Its not just craziness.

I May Not Be A Smart Man

If I were to go back in time five years and watch myself for like a week I really don't know how to react. I think I might just throw up at how socially awkward, quite and downright delusional I was. I was twig thin but thought I was some ripped stud. Man, was I skinny. Somebody needed to take me down to the McDonald's and just get some kind of flesh on my Skeletor (spelling?) frame cause there were nine irons that were thicker than my limbs. I couldn't stand in front of a crowd of people and speak and not stutter or turn a bright shade of magenta. If you told me what my #1 activity was and what I was planning on going into after college I would tell you that you have got to be on some high-octane stuff because that's the biggest load of Oscar Meyer bologna that I would have ever heard. If I ever do meet my 14 year old self through some Star Trekian space-time portal then I would probably have to pop him upside the head. How could I possibly have anything more to learn about life? I've been through it all, I can't do any more growing.

I thought I had love and life all figured out because that's what middle school teaches you right? Those month long relationships had taught me all that I needed to know right? I can show you the world...Shining shimmering splendid. Curse you Disney and your empty promises of love through flying carpets and singing crustaceans. You corrupted entire generations of America's youth!! Anyway...I have learned a lot.

Probably most importantly I have learned what love really is. And there's really only one way to truly experience it and that is from the source. 1 John 4:19 says "We love because He first loved us." God is the source. Without experiencing that love I could have done none of the growing I have to this point. There is no way that that 14 year-old could get up in front of dozens of his peers and read something off a sheet of paper much less tell them what he believed. Love makes us grow. Until we experience it, we cannot reach our fullest potential and that is when we let God take control. I keep saying this but what a miserable little twerp I was. Who but living, loving God could take what I was and make what I am now? Our plans are only restrictions we put on God. As far as I've come I have so, so much farther to go. I keep fighting back, putting restraints on what God wants me to be. But I am glad for one thing. And to borrow the greatest quote from the greatest cinematic adventure of all time Avatar......kidding.....Forrest Gump: I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.